Most Eligible Bachelor
by A very odd fellow
Summary: The Elders were quite proud of their ruling, having dug up an ancient law in order to prevent Hinata from contaminating their clan by marrying the demon, Naruto. Unfortunately for them, Naruto wasn't randomly given the title of 1 unpredictable ninja.


A/N: Okay, a friend of mine and I were talking about how the Fourth Hokage is always made out to be Naruto's father, for obvious reasons. However, we thought it'd be funny if that turned out not to be the case. And so this fic was born. I don't believe any of the (non-canon) relations I mention in this fic are actually true, so don't interpret it as such. Oh, and the language is stronger than I usually use in a fic, because it would have made Naruto OOC to have it otherwise. It's still T-rated, but just barely :P

Enjoy.

* * *

"Who do those bastards think they are!?" 

SMASH. Another tree turned to toothpicks.

Naruto panted, his chakra exhausted for the moment. Splintered trunks could be seen for a good fifty yards in all directions around the young blonde.

"Well, my overly quick to anger student, what's got your panties in a bunch today?" Jiraiya asked from his position in one of the few (yet) untouched trees.

"Fuck off, Jiraiya." Naruto growled, the whisker marks showing clearly on his face.

"This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the ruling the Hyuuga Elders made today, would it?" Jiraiya asked innocently.

"Don't mention those bastards in my presence." Naruto spat.

"Well, if you're going to be that way, then I guess you wouldn't be interested in this scroll." Jiraiya removed a small scroll from his pack, tossing it back and forth between his hands.

"Why the hell would I be interested in one of your scrolls? It's probably just a sketch for your next perverted novel." Naruto glared at the man.

"What? Just because I do a little research on the side, you think that's all I do? Have you already forgotten my other profession?" Jiraiya looked offended.

"Ero-sennin, this is not the times to play games with me; just say what you came to say and get on with your perverted life."

"Sheesh, you're no fun at all." Jiraiya threw Naruto the scroll, "Just be glad I like you kid, or else I wouldn't have done this for ya. I'm not supposed to give it to you just yet, but I'm sure Tsunade will understand." With that cryptic remark, Jiraiya gave a mocking salute, disappearing in a puff of smoke that vaguely resembled a bathing woman.

"This had better be worth my time." Naruto muttered, unsealing the scroll, "Or else my next Rasengan won't be aimed at a tree."

Naruto's eyes widened as he read down the scroll, "Heh, I didn't see that coming." His mouth turned upwards into a familiar grin, "This is gonna mess with those old geezers sooo bad." Naruto laughed out loud, barely able to contain his glee.

Hinata sniffled, wiping her nose for the umpteenth time that day. 'Why does this have to happen to me?' She wondered, a tear escaping down her cheek, "What did I do to deserve this?" She asked the empty room. She heard a knock at her door. "Please go away; I don't feel like seeing anyone right now." She called out. She heard the lock click, and smothered her face in her pillow.

"Hinata," Hiashi said sternly, "this is not the way for the heir to the most powerful clan in Konoha to act."

"You're not the one being married off to the highest bidder." Hinata kept her face turned away.

Hiashi sighed, "You know I tried to stop them." He said, sitting down beside her.

Hinata let a small smile come to her face, "I know you did, and I can't tell you how thankful I am for that."

"You know…" Hiashi started, "I-I would have let you marry him." He finished hesitantly.

Hinata threw her arms around her father, "Thank you. Even if it seems like that doesn't matter right now, it does to me."

"Hey, don't give up hope just yet." Hiashi told her, "If I've learned anything in these last few years, it's that he's earned his title of 'number one most unpredictable ninja.'"

"That he has." Hinata agreed, smiling at the memories.

"Well," Hiashi said, getting up, "If worst comes to worst, I think we can take them." He said as he left, closing the door behind him.

tap.

Hinata looked over at her window.

Tap. Tap.

Hinata opened her window to see Naruto standing below her with a fist-sized rock in his hand.

"Just what were you planning to do with that!?" She asked him, exasperated.

"Um…nothing." Naruto said, dropping the rock, "Oh, I have good news." He said excitedly.

Hinata put her hand to her forehead, "You didn't attack the elders, did you?"

"No, that was _last_ week's plan. This is even better." He said excitedly.

"Really?" Hinata was interested. She just hoped it didn't involve chaos, death, or destruction (or, for that matter, any combination of the three) like most of his plans. Even if she _had_ sorta hoped he had taken care of the elders…

"I want it to be a surprise. All I'm gonna say is that you don't have to worry; everything has been taken care of." He said, appearing in front of her to land a quick kiss before vanishing into the night.

Hinata subconsciously touched the spot his lips had far too quickly left, "I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be _quite_ interesting." She said to herself before turning in for the night.

"Let the presentations begin." One of the elders said smugly. 'We're finally going to get rid of that useless heir.' He shared the same thought as the rest of the elders.

"First off, we have Uchiha Sasuke, heir to the prestigious Uchiha clan and master of the Sharingan." The raven-haired teen smirked, taking a small step forward to acknowledge the announcement.

"Next is Hyuuga Neji, the most powerful Hyuuga in a century." Hinata's cousin stepped forward, staring hard at Hinata. 'You had better know what you're doing…' He thought as he stepped back. He was completely opposed to these proceedings, and would have protested if not for Hinata's assurances that everything was taken care of.

"Last, but perhaps most qualified is Hatake Kakashi, the famed copy-cat ninja, the only non-Uchiha to possess the Sharingan, which he pushed to its ultimate level, the Mangekyo Sharingan, despite former beliefs that this transformation required Uchiha heritage. Surprisingly, he actually made it here on time."

Kakashi peered over his book at the final statement from the elder, "Damn, how'd that happen? Eh, I'll worry about that later. Proceed." He motioned for the elder to continue, his gaze returning to his little orange-covered book.

"Now, if you two will wait while we compare-" One of the elders started.

"Sorry I'm late!" Naruto exclaimed, rushing in through the door, "I must've accidentally switched watches with Kakashi; I thought I still had a few more hours."

'Well, that explains it.' Kakashi thought to himself, a tint of a blush gracing his face from an image in the book.

"What are you doing here!?" The same elder exclaimed, "We didn't invite you, demon-spawn!"

"I would like to know as well. Dobe, what are you doing here? Only the most prestigious young men were invited." Sasuke smirked at his former friend.

"That's true, and I'm very sorry that all of you had to waste your time to come here." Naruto took out a scroll, smirking right back at Sasuke.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't have you thrown out right now!" The elder broke in.

"Oh, I can give you a lot more than that." Naruto said, opening the scroll. "As you will soon see, there's no way any of you could ever compete with my lineage.

"Uzumaki Naruto." Naruto started, "Brother to Arashi, the Yondaime Hokage,"

"Blasphemy!" The elder exclaimed.

"and Yuki, the Snow Princess." Naruto continued through the elder's interruption. "Son of the Fire Lord, and Aiko, the daughter of the Sandaime Raikage. The Fire Lord's brother was the Yondaime Kazekage, whose son is Gaara, the Godaime Kazekage. The Fire Lord's wife's sister is Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage, and Tsunade is the Granddaughter of the Shodaime Hokage, whose brother became the Nidaime Hokage. Do you wish for me to continue?" Naruto asked, smirking as he turned to face the elders.

The elder running the proceedings looked calmer than most of the others, "_Boy_," he spat the word, "Any fool can claim such high-born connections, but what proof do you hold?" He asked smugly, certain that this was all just a bluff.

"How about the Hokage seal?" Naruto replied, holding up the official document for all to see. "Proof doesn't get much more official than that, now does it?" He taunted. "Well, just because I feel like showing off, I'm going to read some more of this." Naruto said, enjoying every moment of the Elders' growing rage, and their inability to do _anything _about it, "The Sandaime Hokage is my great uncle on my father's side, and it looks like the current Tsuchikage is a black sheep from my mother's family." He paused as he scanned the scroll, "Various leaders of small countries…you know, kings, dictators, random people who started their own country…which apparently includes two people named Kazuki and Moriko, labeled only as 'The Hidden Harbor Ninjas'…odd."

Hiashi, seeing that the young man's gloating had left the Elders seething (and therefore speechless), stepped forward, "Well, I'm pretty sure it's no contest as to who has the best lineage here. Thank you for all coming, but it appears these proceedings are complete." The Hyuuga clan leader bowed to the other suitors. "Now, I must go now to oversee the beginning preparations for my daughter's upcoming wedding. I bid you farewell." Hiashi informed everyone as he left the room. Some claimed to have seen him strutting back to his office, but Hiashi vehemently denies such claims.

"Yo, Naruto." Kakashi stopped the young man before he left.

"What's up, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, eager to leave.

"I need my watch back." Kakashi reminded the younger man.

"Heh, forgot about that." Naruto said, scratching the back of his head after removing the watch and giving it to Kakashi in exchange for his own watch.

(sometime later, in a plush office in the wind country)

Gaara looked up as a yellow flash entered his office.

"What's up, Cuz?" Gaara casually greeted his friend.

"Garra, you're never gonna believe what-!" Naruto started before realizing what Gaara had just said, "You've known this WHOLE TIME??"

Gaara seemed to consider this for a moment before shrugging, "Depends on what you mean by 'the whole time.' Every kage is informed of their entire family tree back four generations upon ascension to the position. You would know that if you were hokage." Gaara lorded his position over his friend whenever the opportunity arose,especially now, since he wouldn't be able to do so much longer.

"Oh! I do know _one _thing that you don't." Naruto grinned.

"You're engaged to Hinata?" Gaara suggested, immensely enjoying the sight of Naruto's jaw dropping.

"Man, why the hell do you have to take the fun out of all my big surprises?" Naruto whined, "Come on in, Hinata, he already knew, somehow." Naruto called out, shooting the young Kazekage a glare.

"Kazekage-sama," The Hyuuga heiress greeted the foreign leader, slightly intimidated by both his position and what she remembered of him from her first chuunin exam. However, if he was a close friend of her Naruto-kun, then he was alright in her book.

"No need to be so formal; take off your coats, sit down, stay a while." Gaara said, having his sand take his guests' coats and move chairs under them.

CRASH

Gaara suppressed a grin at the sight of his old friend lying in a heap on the floor, "Ah, sorry about that, Naruto; I swear, my sand seems to have a mind of its own at times…"

Hinata laughed openly; she had a strong feeling that life would never be boring with Naruto and his friends around.

A/N: Hmm, I believe I'm pleased with this work. It's only been on my comp since forever and a day. Please leave your comments; I always like to hear my reader's views, be they good or bad. I am in much the same mind as raging hobo (not a safe place to be, for sure) concerning how I tend to write Gaara; so if you're wondering why Gaara is acting the way he does, that's why. If you don't know raging hobo, then I command you to go and read his umpteen-chapter fic. Don't worry, the chapters are relatively short; 1500 words or so on average.

As a final note, I will answer any questions about my writing status via review response. I also plan to start keeping a status update on my profile...plan being the key word.

Thank you for reading.


End file.
